When Holly met Colin 3 years ago, she thought they were perfect for each other. They had the same sense of humor and enjoyed the same movies and TV shows. They both wanted to start a family in the next few years.
They even had the same favorite childhood book — The Velveteen Rabbit — a sweet coincidence he often mentioned when people asked about their relationship.
So when he suddenly ended things one rainy October day, she was completely blindsided.
“I don’t understand what happened” she told us “He once told me that he’d made a list when he was younger of all the things he wanted in a partner, and that I’d checked off every last one. And just last month he was talking about taking singing lessons so he could serenade me at our wedding.”
Unfortunately, Holly’s story is all too common. According to dating and relationship expert Clayton Max, it’s not unusual for a man to pull away from a woman who seems perfect for him.
“What most women don’t realize,” Max said “is it doesn’t matter how good a woman is for a man ‘on paper’. She could check every box on his list, and he’ll still panic when it comes to taking the relationship deeper”
That’s because despite priding themselves on how logical and rational they are, Max says, “Men don’t choose a woman based on who’s the best logical choice for them. Instead, they choose the woman who makes them FEEL certain things.”
According to Max, men are naturally more scared of commitment than women are, but their brains also come pre-wired with a mechanism that overrides this fear with the right woman.
This mechanism is called The Infatuation Instinct, and when it’s activated, it literally shuts down the part of his brain that feels panicked. Suddenly his feelings of doubt disappear, he feels absolutely sure about the woman, and he’s willing to move mountains to be with her.
When choosing between a woman who makes sense for him and one who’s triggered his primal infatuation instinct, men will choose the one who’s triggered his infatuation instinct every single time.
So what are Max’s suggestions for a woman who wants a man to commit more deeply to her?
1. Accept the Reality
A big mistake women make, is wishing men were different than they are. But a man can no more control the feelings of panic he feels around commitment than a woman can control her feelings of wanting to commit.
In fact, when he feels judged for not being sure, it only adds to the anxiety and guilt he already feels, making him more likely to hit the ‘eject’ button sooner rather than later.
By accepting that this is just how men are wired, and not pressuring him, it gives you space to focus on what DOES make him sure — activating his infatuation instinct.
2. Don’t try to “convince” him
Most women fall into the trap of trying to be a man’s ‘dream girl’, by exhibiting all the ‘good girlfriend’ qualities, such as being a good listener, being loyal, attentive, generous, and passionate.
They’ll list out all the reasons they’re a good match, or they’ll simply try to figure out what qualities he wants in a woman, so they can display them when he’s around.
Either way, they’re trying to appeal to his ‘logical brain’, which in this case is not running the show.
Women will do this again and again, despite the fact that this approach almost never works, leaving them disappointed, and angry when he ends up choosing a woman who has almost none of the qualities he says he wants.
3. Focus on activating his infatuation instinct
The only surefire way of getting a man to commit with his whole heart, so he’s absolutely sure a woman is the one for him, is to activate his infatuation instinct.
A man’s infatuation instinct is turned on by very specific qualities in a woman. Things like curiosity, boundaries, and uncertainty, which stir a sense of excitement and a desire to chase.
While many women will try to show a man how devoted they are to him in the hope that this will make him feel safe enough to open his hear, this more often than not just adds to the pressure he feels, since at this stage, he’s more afraid of losing his freedom than losing her.
For more information on how to activate a man’s infatuation instinct, including exact scripts that do exactly that, watch this free video presentation.
In it, you’ll learn about the ‘emotional tripwire’, which puts a man in infatuation mode, without him realizing why.