Men have told Tanya that she's "amazing", "a great catch," "cool," and "total girlfriend material"...
...but all their seemingly kind words just made her feel worse.
Because the cold, hard truth was:
No matter how great they SAID she was, they still weren’t CHOOSING her.
That meant these men were either lying, or there was something else wrong with her.
In any case, Tanya feared that there was something so repulsive about her that they couldn’t bring themselves to stay with her.
“It made me feel broken,” she says. “Why am I never enough for the men I really want?”
“I just want someone to choose me!”
This question of what makes a man choose a certain woman (while overlooking others) has plagued women for as long as men and women have been getting together.
And science may finally have an answer.
According to new research published in the scientific journal, “Archives of Sexual Behavior”*, men don’t choose women for “logical reasons”.
Dating and Relationship Coach Clayton Max tells us:
“It’s not about checking all the boxes on a man’s list of what makes his ‘perfect girl’. And a woman can’t convince a man to want to be with her.”
In fact, Max says, when a woman tries to convince a man, pressure him, or show him how amazing she is, it’s likely to backfire…
Since these behaviors signal the exact opposite of what makes a man absolutely sure a certain woman is it for him.
“The reality,” according to Max, “is that men choose women who do one thing and one thing only: they choose women who make them feel the powerful emotion of INFATUATION.”
Psychologists have discovered that infatuation comes from a primal drive deep within the brain…
And in men, it’s either on or it’s off.
When a man’s infatuation instinct is ON, it doesn’t matter if a woman has any of the qualities he’s been looking for.
She could be completely "wrong" for him, but he’ll make time for her.
He’ll pack up and move to a different city for her. He’ll change careers for her.
The amazing thing about the Infatuation Instinct is that it literally TURNS OFF the part of a man’s brain concerned with anything other than making her his.
So, how does a woman activate a man’s Infatuation Instinct…
...and make him so overwhelmed with desire for her...
...that he’s willing to do anything to show her how much he wants her?
* Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. et al, Archives of Sexual Behavior, October 2002Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment, Vol. 31, No. 5, (pp. 413 - 419)
He becomes blind to a woman’s ‘negative traits’ and can only see her positive qualities - According to a growing body of research, the infatuation instinct has predictable effects on a man.
For instance, men often become obsessed with women who don’t have any of the qualities they say they want. This is why a woman can be perfect for a man “on paper” but he still won’t choose her. (Fisher, p. 415)
He’s unable to imagine having feelings for someone else - When a man’s infatuation instinct is turned on, he develops “the inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time” (Fisher, p. 415).
So even the most commitment-phobic man will find all his desire focused entirely on one woman.
He becomes moody; elated at one moment, and depressed the next - Since infatuation creates “emotional dependency on the relationship fear of rejection, and separation anxiety,” a man will be desperately afraid of losing her.
Also, his mood will go up and down depending on how much attention and security she gives him. (Fisher p. 416)
He experiences “intrusive thinking” about her - The Infatuation Instinct turns on obsessive thinking in a man. And according to research, she’ll be on his mind nearly constantly — “in many cases over 85% of waking hours” (Fisher, p. 416)
He’s willing to reorder his priorities for her - Since the infatuation drive is so overpowering, men will often “change their clothing, mannerisms, habits, or values to become more available to [her]”.
If a man complains that a certain woman doesn’t fit into his life, he’s likely not infatuated. But if he’s willing to alter his routines and habits to make her fit, he is. (Fisher, p. 417)
